Ski Patrol (skee putt-ROLL) noun or verb. Any living entity that will not leave Zane alone. Commonly known as a (relatively harmless) stalker.

Examples:
1. “The ski patrol prevented me from getting to the bar.”
2. “I’m trying to get out of here but I’ve been ski patrolled.”

We shot the pilot for “Three Sheets” at a Polish Social Club in Seattle, where the production company is based. Everyone there was from Poland, or had parents who were, and except for when they spoke with me, everyone was speaking Polish. The bar had Polish beer and vodka and the kitchen was cooking up delicious Polish food.

Someone knew of a Polish man who made his own vodka. He was supposed to be there at the beginning of the night, but as we were wrapping up shooting, he still hadn’t shown up. At about 11pm, he entered the room. He pulled four bottles out of his jacket pockets. They were small whiskey bottles containing his homemade vodka. The labels were removed, and the caps were held on by blue painters-tape.

I didn’t know this guy, or what was in the bottles. It was supposed to be homemade vodka, but I knew that some homemade vodka makes you blind. I didn’t really want to drink from his bottles. But he persuaded me in his thick Polish accent, saying, “No problem. Is good. You drink.” This was the pilot, and I was trying to impress everyone involved, so I drank them. Not bad. STRONG, but not bad.

Apparently now I was his best friend. He wouldn’t let me leave. After drinking with him for another half-hour, he would only let me go if I agreed to join him at his mountain cabin the following Christmas. He regaled me with tales of being the mountain’s ski patrol. He had the run of the mountain. “Is my mountain.” What mountain, you may ask? We never got that far.

I told him I was running to the bathroom, and had the crew distract him. When I got around the corner, I bolted for the door. One of the production assistants had the car running to take me back to my hotel. Just as we were pulling away, “Ski Patrol” opened my door. He needed me to promise that I would see him next Christmas, and wanted me to come back inside and drink on it. So, I pretended to get out of the car, so he would back away from my door, and then the PA hit the gas, and we were out of there.

So now, when someone won’t leave me alone, whether they’re drunk or not, we call them Ski Patrol. And the world has plenty of Ski Patrols. This is a very safe planet to ski on.