My crew is amazing.  If not for them, the show would not be as great as I believe it to be.  After more than 50 episodes together (Curtiss and Eric were also on the “Have Fork, Will Travel” crew), we know each other VERY well.  Curtiss the Cameraman knows when to zoom in, anticipating that I’ll mug for the camera, or that’ll I’ll hold up the bottle of beer that I’m drinking, smile at the camera and say “That’s good Schnikutis!” And Eric the Soundguy knows to adjust his dials when I scream after drinking a190 proof plumb vodka.  That saves his ears, as well as the listener’s.

Mike “Big Daddy” Kelly, is the hands-on executive producer of "Three Sheets" (there are other EPs, but they don’t do anything except tell us how great the show is). Along with producing every episode of “Three Sheets,” including the pilot, Mike produced my Food Network show, “Have Fork, Will Travel,” and “Megastructures.” Mike was a top notch golfer, until he got bored with being so awesome. Pound-for-pound, he was the fastest chugger in his fraternity. He has the uncanny ability to empty full containers of beer instantaneously. It’s not certain where he got the name “Big Daddy,” but it is suspected that it is for having grotesquely oversized genitalia. Mike lives in Seattle with his lovely wife and two lovely children.

Curtiss “Curtle Bertle Baby Sue” Marlowe, the “Three Sheets” cameraman, has been shooting me since the pilot. Prior to that, he was shooting other people. Much prior to that, he was being shot. As a youngster, Curtiss lived in Southern California and appeared as an actor in “Silver Spoons,” “Air Wolf,” and on the big screen in “Heathers.” He keeps bringing up the fact that some teenie-bopper magazine called him the “Robbie Benson of the 80’s.” Firstly, I thought Robbie Benson was the Robbie Benson of the 80’s. Secondly, I have yet to see proof of his claims. I’m just happy that he’s shorter than me so he shoots up (that would be the camera)—thus making me look taller. Curtiss lives in Seattle, is a heterosexual, and drives a Prius.

Eric “The Sounds Monkey” Soma, has been recording the sound on “Three Sheets” since the pilot. Despite certain evidence to the contrary, Eric is a human being. His monkey habits, odor and mating customs are just coincidence. In addition to throwing his poop when he gets mad, Eric does a bang-up job of recording all of my jokes with crystal clarity. He also makes all of the sound effects in “Three Sheets” in real-time, with his mouth. Eric lives in Seattle and, while not traveling to record sound for “Three Sheets” or a plethora of other shows, he lives an active lifestyle. He has a boat, truck, motorcycle, mountain bike, water and snow skis, a hot rod and a Porsche. He clearly gets paid more than me…

Christina “Pisco Patty” Kindwall has been a producer on “Three Sheets” since Costa Rica, the 5th episode.  Prior to “Three Sheets”, she produced “Knievel’s Wild Ride” for A&E, starring Robby Knievel.  She steals all of the bottles that I’ve tasted in the show, and although she’s always over the three-bottle limit, uses her feminine wiles to pass them through customs.  She played softball in college, and enjoys several other lesbianly enjoyed past times, but likes men.  However, much to the chagrin of many “Three Sheets” fans, she’s happily married.  She lives in Seattle with her husband, Cameron, who coincidentally (well, only coincidence if you disregard nepotism) did the opening graphics for “Three Sheets.”

Bert “The BK Hammer” Klasey joined “Three Sheets” in season three. In addition to getting tackled by a drunk guy in Barcelona for no reason, Bert is a producer of "Three Sheets." I’m not sure of the specifics, but it appears as though Bert only goes on shoots that Christina doesn’t want to go on. The crew teases Bert by pretending that his moodiness and temper tantrums inspire us. But whenever he loses it, Eric poops in his shoes. Bert lives in Seattle with his wonderful and understanding wife and son.